16 Things You Should NEVER Do

1. Check your texts in bed. To a woman, that's like having a threesome with your boss.


2. Ask for a kiss. Her eyes will say yes or no, and nothing kills the mood like asking for a translation.


3. Wear low-rise jeans. So what if David Beckham flashes his hash in every other men's magazine? It's important to have some sack, not show it!


4. Mess with another man's automobile. I don't care if he stole your wife, your job, AND your dog. It's blasphemy.


5. Send an angry e-mail. Have the huevos to pick up the phone or, better yet, have a tête-à-tête. Fireworks aren't just for Independence Day.

6. Snoop through her e-mail, closets, or medicine chest. There's probably nothing there you need to worry about. But rest assured, you'll find something you don't want to see.


7. Forget an undershirt. Go ahead, let 'em see you sweat. Just don't let 'em see sweat creeping out from your underarms like dark, foreboding tunnels to your moistened soul.


8. Four words: inner-thigh adductor machine. It might be a tough-to-reach muscle group, but there's never been a better way to strain your self-esteem.


9. Talk politics or religion with new friends. And if you consider sports one of the two, leave that off the table as well.


10. Talk salary. The more you make, the easier it is to cheapen your image.


11. Have that extra drink. You know, the one that takes you from hilarious to hyena. Always respect your tippling point.


12. DIY plumbing. You think it looks easy. Then your house falls down. Water, like Hulk Hogan's wife, is not to be flirted with. I learned from this with my dad.


13. Leer. Sure, her buttons are quivering to rein in her pendulous bosoms. Sure, it looks "cold in here." And sure, each giggle causes her chest to sway suggestively. But "pervert" isn't a label you can just peel off. I have that lable.


14. Argue with a cop. You were caught. Own up. Accept defeat. The only thing you win in that battle is a humid cell and a roommate nicknamed Stabby.


15. Hang anything—your cellphone, your keys—on your belt. You'll never get laid again. True story.

16. Never, I cannot stress this enough, NEVER call your girlfriend a "bitch" during an argument. It is one word that you will not be able to take back. No matter how hard you try.


Sometimes I forget to adhere to these myself.